Tainted Black - Williams Shanora. Страница 13

Theo was nowhere in sight as I entered my house. I figured he meant it this time. And it was good because he was right. We couldn’t do this anymore. It wasn’t okay. We both were doing it for very bad reasons.

While I was showering the scent of him away, allowing it to seep down the drain, he must have made his way back home. His bedroom light was on. I peeked through the curtain, expecting him to be in his garage or even inside the house, but instead he was on the porch, looking right at my bedroom window.

I gasped, taking a step back, but I could still see him. I was sure he knew I was still watching.

He had a beer in hand. His lips were pressed thin, eyes full of regret and curiosity. I bet he was wondering the same thing I was. Why did we feel so good together? How in the hell did we let it happen twice? Why couldn’t we deny this lust? What was it that made us get so lost in each other that we completely forgot just who we were? The wrongs and rights? The pain and suffering? The fucking age difference? Fucking Izzy?

It was confusing… and so very hard to fight.

Perhaps it was the thrill…

Or maybe it was the off-limits thing? Human beings loved taking advantage of what they knew they couldn’t have.

Maybe he did it because he hadn’t had any in a while and I just did it because—well, because I’d had a crush on Mr. Black for many, many years. I dreamt about him. Thought about him almost every single day without even realizing it before.

Maybe it was because, deep down, we’d wanted each other. We had a connection—an undeniable one. I could read him, and he liked that. He didn’t have to speak, didn’t have to tell me what was wrong, because I already knew.

His pain? I wanted to be the one to take that away.

His conflictions? I wanted to be the one to settle them.

But I was only dreaming. I had to stop. Dreaming never got me anywhere before. Why would it now?

Knowing this, I moved away from the curtain, stepping back slowly, and looked into the mirror of my vanity. I was sure someone could have spotted the hickey he left on my neck from a mile away.

I tried covering the shame with my hands, but I quickly moved them away. Seeing the mark made me tingle below, my core clenching. Running my fingertip across my lip, I imagined him kissing me again.

Holding.

Smoldering.

Looking me deep in the eyes.

His kiss. His touch.

His smell.

Him.

I didn’t get it. How could I want more? How could I do this to myself, knowing it would result to nothing?

Why did I care?

Why did it feel so incredible, but oh so painful?

How was I supposed to forget about my first time with a man that wasn’t even supposed to take it?

Why did it seem my morals went flying out the window whenever he made an appearance? I was a good girl. I’d always been a good girl, but he’d brought the dark little Chloe Knight right out of me.

Shit. Why couldn’t I just forget about Theodore Black?

Two days later, my car was packed up, my keys clutched in hand. “I’m sorry we can’t drive you there, sweetie,” Mom said, adjusting her skirt. “I know how big this is for you.”

“Don’t worry about it. Dad needs you in San Fran. You know he can’t do it all by himself.” She rolled her eyes and I sighed, deciding to quickly change the subject. I didn’t even want to get her started on the man that she now thought was soo annoying. “I’m excited about USC. It’ll be fun. A great experience.”

“Well, I’d hope so with how much money we’re paying for tuition.” She laughed with an edge of sarcasm, tucking her curly brown hair behind her ear. “Just be safe.” A kiss on my cheek. “Call me as soon as you make it there.”

I nodded, rounding the car. “I will. Love you, Mom.”

“Love you too, sweetie.”

I jumped in the car and started it. I hated that Dad wasn’t here, but when work called, he always went running. Even while being retired, it seemed he worked more now than ever before. He wasn’t getting paid to be one of the greatest accountants in Cali, but people loved him and he wasn’t dead yet, so they were going to use him up until he was a no-good, withered-up, forgetful man. I couldn’t blame him. He wanted the best for us, especially me. If there was one thing I knew about my Dad, it was that he feared going broke. He was without money before, unable to provide for himself before he got to college and received inheritance from my greedy grandfather.

It sucked he couldn’t even see his own daughter off to college, but he did keep his promise about coming to graduation. And he showed up on time, and even found me afterwards to fly me in a private jet and spend a night in San Francisco.

I shrugged it off and started to wave at Mom again, but her phone was now in her hand and soon to her ear. She talked quickly as she turned her back to me, entering the house several seconds later.

I sat in the driveway for a while, eyes damp, my heart slowly drumming in my chest. Whatever. It was seriously whatever. Finally fed up with being put last, I rapidly blinked the tears away and drew in a deep breath. I connected my Bluetooth to the car because I needed music. Lots of it if I was going to make it through the drive. Alone.

I pulled out of the driveway, silently telling my home goodbye. Putting the car in drive, I allowed my foot to hover above the gas just as I so happened to look to my right.

Standing in the garage with a wrench in hand was Mr. Black. His nostrils were flared, lips pinched tight with his gaze pointed right at me. I assumed he was thinking negative things. Not even a goodbye? Farewell? See you soon?

A wave of dread passed through me as I watched his lonely eyes. I wanted to jump out and hug him—tell him so many kind things—but I didn’t. Theo needed to know that we would never be the same—that I would soon be over him once I was in college.

I wasn’t planning on coming back home anytime soon. It was like coming back to nothing. My parents always acted too busy for me, my best friend was miles away, and her father was just across the street, normally strutting with a tank top or no shirt on at all. I was weak for that man, the sight of him making me wetter than a river. If I had stayed, I would have been his for sure. In a way, he owned me, but if I left, it wouldn’t be that way.

I needed escape. I needed a fresh start. I needed someone my age. Someone new. Let’s just say Primrose was not the place to be, so instead of lingering, I drove off just as he was coming down the driveway to try and speak to me. I purposely broke our connected line of sight and hurried out of the neighborhood, away from Primrose, my parents, and Theodore Black.

As soon as I was out of the neighborhood, a thousand weights lifted off my shoulders… off my chest. I could breathe. I could fly. I felt momentarily free.

But, I admit, I was going to miss them. My parents. The neighborhood and all the bitchy, self-worshipping occupants—them, because they showed me that I actually had some good within me. And him…

Man, especially him.

FIVE

What did I expect?

For her to get out, kiss and then hug me goodbye? I knew she was leaving, off to college. I hurt her, told her straight to her face that we couldn’t be. It fucking twisted me up inside watching her run out of the park as if I’d broken what was left of her heart—demolished every trace of feeling she ever had for me.

She remained in the middle of the road, her eyes locked with mine, glued for a while. I had the urge to go, to make a move, and beg her forgiveness.