Arsen: a broken love story - Asher Mia. Страница 56

“No,” he says flatly, nostrils flaring.

I’m humiliated and mortified beyond words. What was I thinking? Of course he doesn’t want me. I’m worthless.

“I understand.”

I move to stand, but Arsen blocks me. Kneeling in front of me, he cups my face in his hands. “Fuck, Catherine. Stop. Look at me, please.”

I raise my eyes and stare at him. He’s like the sun. Blinding. I can’t tear my gaze away, even as I’m being blinded by him.

“Why is it always like this with us?” Groaning, he runs a hand through his hair. “One moment it’s like we’re flying, and the next I want to fucking hurt someone.” He pauses, lust and some feeling I don’t understand warring in his eyes, “I want you. So damn much. You know that. But I can’t do this. Not when it’s him you’re thinking about.”

“B-but I want you.” It’s not a lie. I do, so much.

Whenever I’m with him, I don’t feel cold, or empty, or broken. He makes it all go away.

“No. Not like this. I’m a worthless piece of shit for taking what’s not mine, but I won’t let him in here.” He points at his bed. “Not here. This is where I don’t have to share you. This is where you’re mine,” he says gently.

“Oh, Arsen. You aren’t…and he—”

“Shh, beautiful. Enough about him. Come here, let me kiss you. I need that fucking sweet mouth of yours on mine,” he says softly.

When Arsen lets go of my face, he leans down and kisses me on the lips once more. It’s short, but I can’t stop the reaction of my body the moment our mouths come together. His kiss invades my senses, inebriating me with its sweet flavor.

“You’re right. I was trying to…I’m sorry. So sorry,” I say guiltily as we lie together on his bed.

He looks up from his slow examination of our intertwined hands. “It’s fine. I understand what you were trying to do. I’ve been there. I’ve used sex to bury thoughts and emotions.” He kisses my forehead before continuing, “Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but I don’t want to fuck you while you think about him.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Forget it. Besides, I like this.” He lets go of my hand and wraps his arms around me as he chuckles. “Cuddling. Who the hell would’ve imagined that? You’re turning me into a pussy. Saying no to getting laid and cuddling instead,” he says, a boyish grin appearing on his face.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take care of it?” I nod in the direction of his erection.

“Nah, it’ll go away.”

“But aren’t you in pain?”

“Nothing I can’t handle. Now be quiet and fucking kiss me again.”

And we get lost in sweet moments of oblivion. Our breaths filling each other’s lungs, Arsen slowly becoming part of me.

Hours later, before I leave his apartment, Arsen hugs me fiercely. He kisses the top of my head and every surface of my face. When he lets go of me, he raises a hand and cups my chin. “Is it like this with him?”

I’m taken aback by his question.

“No, don’t answer. I don’t want to know,” he says as he plants another quick peck on my lips.

As I make my way to the train station, I realize I should call Ben, but I choose not to. I want to think of Arsen for a little bit longer. For the first time since our affair began Arsen and I weren’t intimate, but somehow I feel closer to him than ever before.

When I arrive home later that night, I’m greeted by the smell of garlic and tomato sauce.

“Ben?” I ask loudly as I begin to remove my diamond studs, feeling my hair graze the top of my fingers.

“In here!” he shouts.

I want to change out of my clothes and brush my teeth, but instead I go in search of Ben. Faltering in my step, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to say when I see him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t buy my excuse that I ran into Arsen while I was out shopping.

As soon as I reach the kitchen, I find Ben standing by the counter eating spaghetti from a floral bowl. He looks his usual preppy self even in washed out jeans and an old plain gray tee. He’s watching Mimi purr as she brushes herself against his leg, a sad expression on his face. When he hears me come in, he raises his gaze and examines my appearance. A bleak look flashes in his eyes, but it’s gone in an instant. And just like that, I’m reminded of everything I want to forget so badly and why. He’s a daily reminder of what will never be.

“Hi. I thought you were going to be working late tonight?” I ask as I put some shopping bags on the floor. Arsen picked up some stuff for me so I could come home and continue with my charade.

“I was supposed to, but decided to come home in the end. I thought you would be here…”

“Um, yes. I decided to have dinner with Arsen since I hadn’t seen him in ages.” As I lie, I’m overcome by repugnance at my own behavior. Not knowing what to do to get rid of it, I push all thoughts of Arsen out of my mind and focus on Ben.

“Did you just leave him?” Ben asks, carefully placing his bowl on the white marble countertop.

I reach for a napkin, wipe the corners of his mouth, and let my fingers hover above his lips. Lifting my eyes, I stare at his familiar eyes and the way they watch me with so much love.

“Yes, he wanted to go for drinks after dinner. I didn’t feel like having a drink, so I came home early.”

He circles his arms around my waist a little more forcefully than I’m used to. Silently we gaze at each other as Ben lifts a hand, then lets his thumb rub my lower lip, mirroring what Arsen had done not two hours ago.

I wonder if he can tell how swollen my lips are…

“I find it interesting that he was gone for so long and all of a sudden he seems to be everywhere,” he says quietly, still rubbing my lip. It’s beginning to hurt.

“What do you mean? I haven’t heard or seen him since that night at the bar,” I say as a cold shiver runs along my spine.

“How could I forget the bar? It was a fucking show. However…”

“Yes?”

“I say that he’s popping up everywhere because not three days ago I read on Page Six that he has been seen with an unknown blonde around town a couple times now.”

I feel like my stomach has dropped to the floor. “R-really? Do they k-know who she is?”

“Yes, really.” Ben grips my waist harder. “And no, they don’t know. You know how Manhattan is. If you want to be anonymous, it’s the place to be.”

“Yes,” I say, lifting my hand and placing it on top of Ben’s; stopping him because his touch has turned painful.

“As I was saying, they don’t know the identity of the woman, but they don’t seem too concerned. They called her the flavor of the week,” he chuckles.

I feel like Ben just kicked me in the gut. “Well, if she’s the flavor of the week, then why do they mind?”

“No fucking clue. Anyway, not my point. My point is that even you ran into him. How funny is that?” he asks bitingly.

“Um, yes. Well, I…we didn’t speak about his dating life. It was just…um…you know, life. Anyway, shopping wore me out.” I begin to pull away from him, but his hand remains planted on my waist, “Ben, let go. I want to take a shower and go to bed.”

“Why, babe? Are you tired?” he asks with a hint of sarcasm.

“Yes. Please, could you let go?” I say as I try to push away from him, but I’m met with resistance once more.

Suddenly his touch makes me uncomfortable. There’s something in the way he’s staring at me, and the tension I sense emanating from his body that lets me know how angry he is. Angrier than I have ever seen him.“Too tired to spend some time with me?” Ben asks, grabbing me by the hips and turning us around, backing me up against the countertop.

“Ben, no. Not tonight. I’m tired. Please, stop.” I feel sick to my stomach.