The Story Of Us - Jones Lesley. Страница 30

“Have you ever had help Georgia?”

“What? What kind of help?”

“Psychological help? Help to try and get over whatever it is that happened to you.”

My hand instantly flew up to my neck. “Help to try and get deal with whatever he did to you.” He gestures with the tilt of his chin toward my necklace, where my hand still is, fucking hell; he thinks I’m mad, he thinks I’m insane, am I? I’m completely fucked up, I know that much but I don’t know about insane, I choose to ignore the comment and the question.

“Would you like to come in for a coffee?”

“You really want me to come in?”

I nod, I do, I really don’t want to be alone right now. I’m so sick of being alone and I’m so sick of being lonely.

When Sean did what he did in that room, not only did I lose him and the life that we had planned together, I also lost Jimmie, Lennon and Marley, I know I still got to see Len and Jim but we could’ve all been so much closer. I would have been involved with the band, touring with them, seeing my brothers and my best friend almost daily and suddenly, it was all ripped away from me. They all went off and road the fame wave with the band, whilst I quietly slipped off back to school, all on my own. While I’m lost in my own thoughts, Cam has gotten out of the car and come around and opened the door on my side, I stare up at him blankly for a few seconds, before I realise that he’s waiting for me to get out, he takes my hand, puts his other hand on the top of my head so I don’t bump it and guides me out of the car and up the stairs to my flat.

My Dad had insisted on two lots of security doors when his blokes worked on the refurbishment. You unlock the first door, walk along a short corridor and before reaching the front door that eventually lets you into my place; it’s not huge but it’s mine and I’ve decorated it exactly how I wanted to. My Mum wanted florals and dado rails, I wanted plainly painted walls and a leather sofa, a chesterfield in fact, it reminded me of the summerhouse, just the smell of the leather alone would make my belly flip every time I came home; my parents still had that old sofa, Sean and I had had sex on it, more than once. Sean, Sean.

“I think you need a drink not a coffee, what do you have in?” Cam’s concerned voice interrupts my inappropriate thoughts.

“Sorry, what?” I’m sitting on a stool at my breakfast bar and I’ve no idea how I got here.

He doesn’t wait for an answer, he just starts opening cupboards until he finds the bottle of Drambuie I always keep for when my dad comes over, he pulls two whisky tumblers from the shelf above the drink and pours two large measures into both, then adds ice from the freezer. Placing both the glasses down in front of me, he stands on one side of the bench top, and leans forward on his elbows, facing me as I sit on my stool on the other side. He tilts his glass toward me.

“Cheers?’ It’s a question not a toast. I pick up my glass and tap it against his and nod slightly.

“Cheers,” I state.

He looks at me for a long while but I just know he’s going to talk and I know he’s going to ask questions and rightly so, I’ve behaved like a complete head case tonight. He took me out to a nice restaurant; he’s behaved with impeccable manners and has shown the patience of a saint, so he’s more than entitled to ask questions if he feels inclined; whether I’ll answer them without having another complete meltdown is another thing.

“Why do you wear it if it causes you so much pain?”

What is he talking about?

“The necklace, why wear it?” I raise my hand, and then put it back down, he’s very perceptive. My belly flips upside down and then feels like it’s trying to turn itself inside out.

“I really like you Georgia but I need to know what I’m up against. I want to know who I’m up against?” He’s quiet for a few seconds. “I’m not some kind of a cunt, if it’s a bloke and he’s still about, if your still involved, I will walk away and leave you to it. I want you George, fuck do I want you but I want you to come to me willingly and I want you to come to me single, I don’t share.”

I sip at my drink, enjoying the warmth as it slides down my throat and lands in my acrobatic belly, I watch as he drains his glass and pours himself another. “Are you with someone?” Ha, am I? Sean, yes I’m with Sean but only in my head, in real life, I’m alone, so fucking alone. “Georgia?”

“No, no I’m not with anybody; I haven’t been with anybody for years. I’m very single.”

“What about all the blokes you came into the wine bar with? You were with them.”

I shrug my shoulders. “No I wasn’t, they were with me, but I was never with them.”

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I wish you’d tell me, if you told me, who, what, I mean give me a fucking clue here, even about us George. What do you want? Why did you come out with me tonight?”

“You looked after me the other night, you’re getting my car sorted, I like you, I wanted to go out with you but I just can’t talk to you about him.”

“So it is a bloke then?” I nod slightly; he drags one hand through his dark hair.

“Well that’s a start at least. George look, I may be way out of line with this but I’ve gotta ask… This ain’t nothing to do with your brothers is it?”

My stomach is now doing a pirouette as well as back flips, how does he know that?

“They’ve never done anything, I mean, your brothers have never done anything, they’ve never touched you or anything have they?”

What?

“What, no, no, fuck no, my brothers are my, I love my brothers. What the fuck are you saying?”

“Every time I mention them, I mean, the younger two, you freak out, I thought it had something to do with them, I thought they’d done something to ya. I’m sorry if I’m wrong but I had to ask.”

“Fucking hell Cam, what sort of a family do you think I come from? What sort of person dya think I am? It’s nothing like that, nothing.”

“Then what for fucks sake? I’m fucking lost George, everything I say is wrong, everything I say sends you off somewhere, I lose you for a few seconds or you look like you’re about to hyperventilate and I have no idea what it is that I’ve said that has caused that.”

I feel terrible, I like him, I really do like him but I have no idea how far I’m willing to take this, if I’m willing to take this any further than a few dates and a few fucks, I’m just a mess and he deserves better.

“It’s a bloke and I’m not over it, I’m not over him, I don’t know if I ever will be, no one else has ever come close. The others, Lee and the other nine I’ve strung along for the last six months were just…” I shrug and look around the room while I try to think of a word. “They were revenge, they were payback. They were me, trying to make myself feel better. They were me being a bad person.”

“And is that what this is? Is that what I am, revenge? You trying to make yourself feel better?”

“No!” I almost shout, because it’s not and I don’t want him to think that.

“No Cam, that’s the problem, I like you, you’re the first.” Fuck, I think I might actually cry, for the first time in four years, I think I might actually cry. I swallow it down. “You’re the first since him that has made me feel anything, the others were nothing, I felt nothing. But you, you’re different and I’m struggling, I’ve never let anyone one in, I’ve not allowed myself to feel, I’ve never even cried… since him, not once.”

He looks at me confused. “When was this, how long ago?”

“Almost four years.”

“You haven’t cried in four years?”

“No,” I say quietly and shake my head.

He comes around the breakfast bar and stands in front of where I’m sitting on the stool, he opens his legs, placing them either side of mine so that he can get closer and wraps his arms around me, pulling my head to his chest. “What the fuck did he do to you baby girl, what did he do? I want you to know, I want to make it better.”