Slow Twitch - Реинхардт Лиз. Страница 67

This was only good for him. A Saxon Reformation. A Saxon Renaissance.

“I think it will be good for him,” I said out loud to Jake. I really meant it, and I knew Jake could hear that.

“I thought you might be upset about it.” Jake weaseled a nervous look from the corner of his eye.

“I liked having classes with him and seeing him in school,” I understated. “But it’s better for him to do his thing here.” Definitely better. Even if it left me with a feeling of empty longing.

“Alright.” His shoulders lost their tightness and his hands loosened their grip.

“And I’ll see you all day now.” I slid my hand across the seat and grabbed his. “How freaking amazing is this? I used to have to wait all morning to see you, and now, we’ll go in together every single day. This is so cool.”

“Um, I took some tests, too. To see if I might be able to place in some honors classes. They gave me this thing called an IEP,” he admitted, his voice all low and tongue-tied around the words.

“When did you do all of this?” The secrets he hid like nesting dolls kept surprising me, one by one.

“This past spring. You were running track a lot, so I had some time.” There was a braggy note of pride in his voice.

I pinched his cheek. “My little covert operative, all hiding information behind my back! Isn’t an IEP for, um, learning disorders?” I asked, hoping that he wouldn’t get offended.

“Yeah.” His voice was easy and confident. “So my dyslexia is workable. They did this oral testing with me. They have this program where I set up this whole computer thing and I can speak into it. It was pretty incredible. I mean, I’d have to do it separate from everyone else, but I actually kind of wrote an essay.”

“Wha…? Why didn’t you tell me about this? Seriously? We were together all summer. How did this never come up?” I was so shocked, I could barely process. This was a big deal! This was important! Why didn’t he tell me?

“I didn’t want you to get your hopes up. But I got a letter this morning. It said I placed into some honors classes.” Pride glowed on his face.

“What!” I screamed, bouncing up and down. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you to get all excited if it wound up I was just a dummy like I always thought.”

I ignored his self-dig and resisted the urge to jump across the seat and kiss him like crazy. “Are you kidding me?” I couldn’t get my excitement under control. “I’m so pissed you never told me!”

“Well, I’m not sure if I’m going to do it. I mean, it might be a lot.”

It was like the brakes screeched on the whole exciting run. “You’re not serious.”

“It’s a lot,” he repeated, his voice edged with warning.

“No.” I shook my head at him. “Do notdo that to yourself. You are so smart. You can ace these classes, Jake!”

“I need to get a computer with the programming that they have. For myself. Like that I didn’t have to borrow.”

“So? You have money saved, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he said vaguely.

I couldn’t put my finger on what he was getting at, but I knew I was missing something, and he wasn’t saying something.

“So buy it.” I threw my hands up in frustration. “What’s up? Why are you even considering not doing this?”

“Because what if I’m smart?” His voice dropped.

“You are smart,” I argued, kind of automatically.

“Not just to you, Bren,” he countered. “What if I’m actually smart? It kind of screws up my long term life plan.”

“Which is?” I pressed.

“To be who I am and do what I do. To work. Hard. And get money. And provide.” He took a long breath. “For you. With you. Wherever you need to be.”

“Jake,” I said, and stopped. That was it, I guess. If he deviated from this structured plan of his, he got freaked out. “That’s really sweet, but I’m planning on providing for myself, and I want you to do your thing, too. I thought you wanted to go to college.”

His jaw set and he stared straight ahead. “I want to go if you go. I want you,” he insisted stubbornly. “That’s it. I just want to be happy with you.”

“Jake, I’m not marrying you right out of high school or anything.” I felt a little shaky in the face of his totally stubborn plans. “I’m going to college wherever I get in and want to go. I might even go in another country. And I’m going to do internships. And have jobs. And have my own place.”

“So you don’t want to be with me?”

I felt like he was purposefully missing the point of what I was saying.

“I didn’t say that.” Frustration made my cheeks flush hot. “I don’t want being with you to be my only plan. That’s all. And being with me can’t be your only plan either. That would be disaster. There’s so much we should both plan on doing, and it might be seperate.”

He shook his head.

“What?” I asked.

“You just don’t get it,” he muttered.

“What don’t I get?” I felt like shaking him or choking him or smacking him upside the head. “You could be in honors classes and go to college and do things for yourself. And we can be with each other, even if we’re not always physically together. So what am I not getting? What’s so complicated?”

“You have your home right now.” His voice creaked out, rough with emotions he didn’t want me to hear. “You have your mother and Thorsten, and maybe even a dad somewhere who cares about you. You have that.”

“You have Ron,” I argued. “Who stood by you this whole time.”

“He…stands by me,” Jake agreed. “But he’s not home. I don’t have one. Or the promise of one, except with you.” He took a deep breath. “If I work hard for us, you can do your thing, and I’ll be waiting for you. That’s a decent plan.”

He was so serious about it, but I was not going to let him think that I was happy with his plan.

“I don’t want that.” I felt my teeth click together, I clenched them so hard. “I want us to be together, but also doing our own things. If you don’t do these classes, and if you don’t go to college or at least do something for yourself, I willbreak up with you.” It was extreme, but it was the honest truth.

“What?” Jake blinked hard and his nostrils flared slightly. “You can’t break up with me over classes.”

“Oh yes I can.” I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to hold back every sputtering emotion broiling in me. “I can and I will. If breaking up with you makes you go after what you need, I’ll do it in a second. That’s how much I love you.”

Jake’s jaw got tight. “That’s stupid.”

“Your plan is stupid,” I countered, my voice ferocious with equal parts hope and terror.

“I knew you wouldn’t get it. I don’t know why I even brought it up in the first place.” His fists death-gripped the steering wheel and his entire face was hard-lined and tense.

I took a deep breath, ready to smooth some peace over all this, but not prepared to back down either. “I’ll be here for you. I will. But I think you’re using your feelings for me as a copout. There have to be things you do just for yourself, Jake.” I couldn’t believe he was considering anything else.

“Why?” he snapped.

“Because…it’s obvious why!” I took a deep breath and counted to ten. Then eleven. I made it to twenty-seven before I felt remotely able to talk. “Look, I know we’re in the Kelly Boat together, but I’m staging a mutiny if you start drinking the salt water. That’s all I’m saying about this. Alright?”

“Aye aye, Cap’n.” His smile was a blurry, faded photocopy of its usual self.

“Just promise me you’ll think about all this. I’m telling you, you’re going to realize I’m right.”

He took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re wrong, but I love you for being so worried about me. I’ll think about all this.”

We rode the rest of the way to my house in silence, and even though once Jake pulled into my driveway, we kissed and touched and rubbed like two out-of-control animals, it all sat badly.

I watched him pull away, went in and kissed my parents goodnight, and tried calling Evan, but there was no answer. Her Facebook status had been updated two hours before and read, “Out making mischief…”