If You Desire - Cole Kresley. Страница 53

"How?"

He hesitated, then said, "She either fell. Or jumped."

"Is this blood?" Jane scratched her nail against the copper stain at the bottom. At his nod, she asked, "What's under the stain?"

"We doona know. It's never been lifted."

She peered up at him. "What if it says, 'Disregard the above'?" At his scowl, she said, "Hugh, I don't think this is a curse—I think this islife . Bad things happen, and if I made myself a template of future woes, I could pick and choose from everything that might have happened to match it. Now, I admit, your father's death was strange. But there are physicians in London who posit that the mind can make the body do anything—even shut down. Belinda told me about it. If your father believed strongly enough, he could have effected this."

"And Ethan? The death of his fiancee directly before his wedding?"

"Was either an accident or his intended wasn't well and couldn't take the idea of marriage to someone she didn't love."

Again and again, she brought up points, calling on everything she'd ever learned about science or just plain human nature.

Finally, he undermined all her efforts by saying simply, "I believe it. Ifeel it."

"Because you were raised to, and you grew into this curse, grew to fit it. You are the epitome of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believed that you would walk with death, that you weren't supposed to have joy in life." She reached out and tentatively touched his arm. "But Hugh, I'm not expecting you to simply turn this off. It's been with you for thirty-two years—it will take time to let go. I'm willing to work at it if you are." His silence actually made her more optimistic. "In time, we'll get you to start believing that youwill have happiness—that you deserve it." She cupped his face. "Tell me you'll at least try. For me? I'm ready to fight for us if you are."

The moment stretched interminably. Her whole future hung in the balance—but surely he would make the right choice. She couldn't be this in love with someone who would throw away what they had.

When his gaze left her face to flicker uneasily to the book, she realized she'd lost.

Jane didn't lose well.

Releasing him, she snatched the book, then stormed out of the room and down the stairs.

"What're you doing?" He was right behind her as she marched out of the house into the thick morning fog. "Tell me what you're aiming to do."

She hurried through dew-wetted grass toward the loch. "To get rid of the problem."

"The book is no' the problem. Just a reminder of it."

She had the lake in sight and didn't take her eyes from it when she said, "Then I'm ridding you of the reminder." She drew the book to her chest with both arms around it. She suddenly felt a sheen of cold sweat over her body, and inwardly shook herself.

"No, lass, it's no' that simple. Pitching it into the water will no'do anything."

"It might make me feel better." She turned to go to the first rocky rise, farther up the water's edge. It was deeper there, and she wanted this tome to sink to the bottom, never to touch another life again.

"It will no' matter if you cast it in the loch. It always finds its way back."

"Are you mad?" she snapped over her shoulder without slowing. "Listen to yourself!" When she reached the spot she wanted, she changed her grip on the book, readying to lob it, but hesitated.

"What are you waiting for? Do it, lass. I've done it enough."

She raised her eyebrows in challenge. "You think I'm jesting? I'll do it!"

He waved her on, and she flung it with all her might. They both stood silently watching it sink, the pages fluttering until it disappeared.

"Odd. I don't feel any different." She faced him. When he evinced the same grim, resolved expression, she didn't bother to hide her bitter disappointment in him. "You were right—it didn'tdo anything. You're still going to throw away what's between us. We muststill be cursed."

"If I risked only my life, this would be done," he grated. "I would no' think twice. But if I were to cause you any kind of hurt, I could never forgive myself."

Tears began spilling from her eyes. "Any kind of hurt?" She threw her hands up. "Thishurts right now, Hugh. It hurts worse than anything I've ever known." She futilely wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands. "Of course, you'll just see that as proof that the curse is in effect, right?"

"I would no' have had you feeling even this." He looked as if watching her crying was torture. He seemed to want to touch her but only clenched and opened his fist. "I would no' have come back if no' for Grey and would never have seen you again. I managed it for years—"

"You…youpurposely sought not to see me?" He'd been avoiding her? When she'd been begging her cousins to ride with her past his London home, praying for a mere glimpse of him? "This just gets better. Well, understand that the last ten years have been unbearable without you. So by staying away, you hurt me. By abandoning me, you devastated me."

"Abandoned? I never made you any promises."

"I thought we were getting married!" Her tears streamed without check. "I thought you were just waiting until I was eighteen. I didn't describe my wedding ring to someone Ididn't believe would be my husband."

His lips parted, but then he shook his head. "Even if none of this had happened, even without the curse, I still would no' have offered for you. I dinna have anything to offer you. I hadnothing ."

"I wouldn't have cared as long as I was with you."

"That's bullshite!" he roared, finally reaching the limits of his control. "You liked wealth and made no secret of it. And every time you made that clear, you dinna see me tensing at yet another reminder that I was no' good enough for you. You described that ring for a reason, Jane—because you expected it!"

"The only thing I expected wasnot to be abandoned without a word. And I'll tell you right now that it's so much worse to be left behind than to do the leaving."

"You have no bloody idea," he bit out, his tone seething. "You want to know my secrets, Jane? Know that at twenty-two, I went out in the world and did a cold-blooded thing. And I did it foryou . Because I knew if I did such a heinous act, I would never dream of entangling my life with yours. So doona tell me it's easier to walk away—it's no'. No' if you can possibly go back."

"But you're still going to do it again. When Grey's caught."

"Aye. I know that I will," he said, staring down at her. "Even if I doona know how."

Chapter Forty-two

Later that morning, when Hugh felt he had calmed enough from the morning's fight, he found her on the terrace shooting her bow. With her face cold and expressionless as marble, she drew back her bowstring and shot, drawing one arrow after another from the quiver at her back with incredible speed.

She'd long since shredded her target.

"Jane, can you stop for a moment?" he asked, falling in beside her when she retrieved her arrows.

Angrily yanking them out, she collected them in the quiver. "Can you not see I'm busy?" She didn't even glance at him, just returned to her line to nock another arrow. In one fluid movement, she raised her aim to the target, pulled and released the bowstring, hitting dead center.

"I need to speak with you," Hugh said.

"And I need some time alone."

Noting the drawn expression on her face and her arms beginning to shake, he said, "You've been at this for hours, lass."

"There's nothing to talk about, since I understand the situation perfectly. I've all butbegged you to remain married to me. I've confessed my unwavering feelings for you and offered to do whatever it takes to get us past this. But there's a rub. You can't, because you'recursed ."