If You Desire - Cole Kresley. Страница 63

Chapter Fifty-one

"Jane?" he bit out in a strangled tone to see her eyes watering. His one chance to win her back…And all I've done is make her cry. Of all the reactions he'd anticipated, her crying was not one of them. He clasped her hand in his, pulling her inside out of the damp night. He could tell she wanted to resist, but she didn't seem to have the energy.

He took her directly up into his room and sat her on his bed, curling his finger under her chin. She'd closed her eyes, but the tears were spilling out. He felt as if a knife was being plunged repeatedly into his chest with each tear. "My God, lass, did I hurt you? Was I too rough with you in the carriage?" His breath left his lungs in a rush. "Christ, I was." He remembered little of that mind-boggling kiss—he'd probably squeezed her with all the strength in his body. "I've wanted this for so long, and to be so close…I could no' control myself."

When she said nothing, just continued to cry, he murmured, "This played out badly, I ken that, and I am sorry for it. Ach, Jane, this is killing me."

"Then take—me—back," she said, biting out the words.

"You doona want to go back like this with all those people there."

She pummeled his chest. "Then take me to Claudia's!"

"I canna do that either, lass."

How could he have bungled this so badly? He hadn't been thinking clearly after everything that had happened and the mad journey here. But then to see her like a vision in the candlelight? The realization that this stunning, brave woman washis wife had hit him like a punch. Hewas the lucky bastard who got to dine with her each night and wake up beside her each morning. All he had to do was win her.

Then he'd seen Bidworth. And assumed the worst.

"I've much to tell you and could no' wait any longer. I wanted to stay married to you. But you know why I believed I could no'."

"Because of thecurse ." Her eyes glittered, and her tone was cold. "I would bevery careful bringing that up to me."

"Aye, but since then I found out my brother's to be a da." How odd to say that. Hugh liked saying that. "He's married, happy—"

"So are you saying that the curse has been lifted?" She put her chin up. "Perhaps a magical charm was used to combat it? Will I be expected to wear a MacCarrick talisman around my neck?"

"I'm saying we misinterpreted the words. I knew when I saw Annalia was pregnant—"

"Listen to yourself! There's this curse that's prevented you from accepting me as your wife, but since some woman that I don't even know named Annalia conceived, nowwe can be together. Do I have it right?"

"It sounds mad. But today, for the first time, I realized I could have a future with you—without fear for you."

"Not good enough, Hugh. What if something else happens to make you think you'll hurt me again? You didn't believe in us before—why should I now? What if you find out what the book says under the blood, and it's even more devastating?"

"Court and Annalia think the last two lines qualify the ones that came before—that they're about each son finding the one woman he's supposed to be with. I believe that."

"And I'm the one woman for you?" Her tears were easing.

He drew his head back. "I havenever doubted it."

"So you think you can get me with child now?"

"Aye." His voice gruff, he said, "I dinna, did I?"

"No, you didn't." At his relieved expression, she said, "Is the idea of children with me such a dread prospect?"

"No, but the thought of you in labor, in pain, at risk…" He stifled a shudder. "I dreadthat . And lass, I would no' share you well, no' even with my own bairns."

She tilted her head at his admission, her eyes seeming to soften as she gazed at him. "But you didn't get me pregnant. Will that change your mind?"

"No, nothing will."

"You said over and over that it wasn't just about the curse. You gave me reason after reason why we wouldn't suit."

"No, they were just excuses—"

"Are you saying you lied to me, then?"

"No, I've never lied to you. And I made those excuses to myself as much as to you." At her raised eyebrows, he said,

"The reasons were true, but they doona matter anymore—because I will be whatever you need me to be." He brushed away the last of her tears with his thumb, and she sniffled, but let him.

"You can't change that you're a loner. I'm not, and I won't live a solitary existence. Would you keep me from my family?"

"No, never. If that's the only thing standing between us, I'll bloody move in with a houseful of them."

Her eyes went a shade wider. "Really?" she said slowly.Raaaally. "You would do that?"

"Lass, none of what I've found out will matter if I canna have you. My future's with you, or I might as well not have one."

"But I'm…afraid, Hugh. Something else could change your beliefs, and then I'd lose you a third time." She briefly looked away when she admitted, "I couldn't do it a third time."

"Do you know how badly I wanted to seize onany of your arguments at Beinn a'Chaorainn for why we could be together? But I could no'. And even then I struggled no' to let you go. It was selfish of me, but I never sent for Quin to come for you."

"You didn't?"

He shook his head, gently laying his hands on her shoulders to rub up to her neck and back. "I've always been searching for a way I could have you, and now I've got one. If you accept me now, you will no' be able to get rid of me."

"So you came for me tonight because you want to be completely married?" Jane said, nibbling her lip. "To live together?"

"Aye, Sine, if you'll have me." He swallowed, then enfolded her in his arms, but she was stiff, silent. Moments passed….

When she at last wrapped her arms around him, too, he exhaled, realizing he'd been holding his breath.

He drew back and cupped her face, gazing down at her. "Jane, I've told you before that I'm no' a good man—"

"But won't you be good tome ?"

"Oh, Christ, yes. Always."

"Will you love me?"

His brows drew together, and his voice went hoarse. "Till my dying breath," he said, the words sounding like a vow. "And you? Can you love me, even knowing what I've done?"

"Hugh, I understand more about your profession now. I know that you saved soldiers' lives, but you never got any recognition. You might not get credit for your grueling job anywhere else, but I, for one, am so proud of you."

"Proud?" he choked out the word. "Do you know how often I dreaded ever having to tell you about this?"

"I always have been proud of you, and that hasn't changed." Then she eyed him. "Though I do want you to understand that if I'd been a son, I would have had your job."

"I doona doubt it," he said, his lips tugging into a grin, but then he grew serious once more. "You ken what this will mean? So think on this, because I swear to you, lass, I'll never let you go again."

Gazing up at him, she said, "Never let me go? I like the sound of that."

He blinked as if he didn't really believe this was happening. She understood the feeling. But she sensed they'd crossed a threshold—finally.

The antsy feeling was…gone. Because she was right where she was supposed to be.

"I have money for you now," he said, like he was trying toconvince her to be with him. "I can spoil you. And we have that estate by the sea in Scotland."

"I get to live with you in your seashore home?"

"Ourhome. And you should, especially since I bought it with you in mind—"

"Youdid ?" she asked, both surprised and delighted. When he'd told her of it weeks ago, she'd dreamed about being there with him, never knowing he'd done the same about her.

"Aye, I think you would be proud to call it yours. I'll take you there straightway, if you like. We can leave tonight."