Flat-Out Love - Park Jessica. Страница 61

But now she didn’t know who this boy was, this damaged, lost boy who was kissing her like he’d never see her again. Like she was everything he wanted. Now her own tears poured down her face. Julie kissed him harder, endlessly, not wanting this to stop, but knowing it had to. For just a few more minutes, she let herself drown in the feel of him, because his mouth, his lips, his tongue, his kiss… This moment overshadowed the real world and took her away from misery.  His hands roamed her back and her arms, desperate to show her how much he wanted her. She fought back a sob and pulled her mouth from his, kissing his cheeks, his neck, snuggling against the fabric of his shirt. Her hands moved down his chest, then wrapped around his waist, hugging him. She just wanted to hold Matt, even if this was the last time. His arms encircled her body, and he hung on to her. There had been days over this past year when he had made her feel safe and protected when he had held her. It had been so natural to let him hold her, so easy. So easy that she had stupidly never questioned it. None of those times mattered, though, because everything before today had been a lie.

He whispered in her ear, his voice breaking. “Julie, tell me that you fell in love with me, too. I know you did. I can feel it.”

“No, Matty,” she said crying. “I fell in love with Finn. I loved that boy, that imaginary, wonderful, fantasy boy. That boy wasn’t you. He was someone else, someone who never really existed. And… maybe part of me did fall in love with some version of you too, but that wasn’t real either. And now I’ve lost you both. You’ve broken my heart twice.”

“Please. I meant everything I wrote to you. Everything.” Matt was pleading with her now and squeezed his arms around her tightly. “I used to go skydiving and bungee jumping. Finn and I did those things together. After he died, I couldn’t take any more risks like that. It wasn’t fair to my parents. Or Celeste. I used to be different. My life was about more than managing, and coping, and keeping everything together. There was more to me. You started to bring that back. We have something here, Julie. You know that.”

“We don’t have anything.” She wiped her eyes on his shirt. It killed her to say this to him. She knew better than anybody how fragile Matt was right now and how much of himself he was giving to her. ““Please don’t make this harder. Please don’t make me hurt you more. But, Matt… Nothing that happened has been true.”

“I need you,” he begged. “You’re everything I’m not.”

“And you’re everything I don’t want.” Julie pushed away, breaking his embrace, and shook her head. “If you loved me, you couldn’t have done this. You couldn’t have been so careless with me. You know pain, and loss, and hurt better than anyone.” She hated each word as it came out of her mouth. “And that’s what you gave me. I know that it’s not the same. I know yours is worse. I’m so sorry for you, Matt. For your whole family. You’ve all been through hell. And you’ve been braver than anyone could. But I hurt now, too. And I can’t love you.”

Chapter 30

The alarm clock went off, filling the room with a hideously syrupy old Lifehouse song. Cursing herself for forgetting to turn the alarm off last night, Julie rolled over and yanked the cord out of the wall, but the music kept playing. God damn that battery back up! She had been in bed since seven the night before, having mumbled something to Erin through the door about not feeling well. Her eyes burned, and her head and heart ached. Everything hurt. There was really no good reason to get up, except to finish packing. She was moving to Dana’s tomorrow. She wanted out of here as quickly as possible. But the idea of mustering the energy she’d need to pack was further debilitating. Even with the torturous music, the dark room was safe. The world was on hold.

Holing up in her room since the dreadful talk with Matt was childish perhaps, but she didn’t care. Of course, it wasn’t really her room. It was Matt’s. He must have moved out so that the family didn’t have to deal with the agony of Finn’s empty bedroom. She threw her arm over her eyes. Poor Matt had taken on the brunt of the family’s grief.

After lying in bed for another hour, and suffering through “Romance Hour” on the local radio station, she finally dragged herself from the sheets and sat in front of her computer. There was one more thing that she had to do. She clicked on Finn is God’s page one last time and reread his status updates. Matt’s status updates. It was so hard to reconcile the truth with what she had believed for so many months. She moved the cursor to remove him from her friends list and then stopped. Under his profile picture she saw it. It was his birthday today. It was the real Finn’s birthday. She couldn’t take this and deleted him immediately.

Julie didn’t understand why she was feeling such a loss. It’s not as though she’d actually known Finn. It had been Matt the whole time. Technically, she hadn’t lost anyone. But it felt like she had. To amp up her misery was the fact that she had hurt Matt so terribly yesterday. That might be the worst piece of all.

Julie heard the house phone ring, and moments later Matt’s voice filled the house. “Julie! Julie!”

She hadn’t seen him since yesterday, when she had dropped from his embrace and fled to her room.  The last thing she wanted was to face him now, but the sound in his voice let her know something was wrong.

“Julie!” Matt flung open the door. “Celeste is gone.”

“What? What do you mean gone?”

“She didn’t show up for third period today. My mother just called. She and Dad are heading over to the school now to see if anyone has seen her. Today is…today—”

“I know.” Julie stood up. “It’s Finn’s birthday.” This day must be intolerably painful. She rushed to the closet and yanked a shirt from a hanger. “We’ll find her.”

“I don’t know where she could be. Something is wrong. She has never skipped class.”

“Go start the car. I’ll be down in a minute.”

Matt nodded. “OK. Julie? Thank you. I know you hate me right now.”

He disappeared before she could protest.

Ten minutes later, Matt and Julie were in the car and heading toward Celeste’s school. It seemed worthwhile to drive around the area on the off-chance that she might be nearby. Julie had tried Rachel’s house; however her mother hadn’t heard from Celeste, and Rachel was most definitely in class today. Julie was hoping the two girls had ditched school together. Rachel’s mom promised to call if she got news.

Matt tapped the steering wheel. “Where could she be? Where could she be?”

“She’ll be fine. She wouldn’t have done anything stupid. It’s got to be a hard day for her. For all of you.”

“Yes, it is.” He kept his eyes straight ahead. “I had to tell her about our… talk. She would have wondered what was wrong. I don’t imagine that helped her.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so… callous yesterday. I just can’t…” Her words trailed off. “I understand why you did what you did.”

“You don’t have to explain. Really.”

Julie tapped her leg. She didn’t want to think about yesterday. Matt looked totally spent. Even worse than she did.  And he had shut down on her again. That whole pouring-his-soul out routine was over. But the only thing that mattered right now was finding Celeste. She stared out the window as Matt drove around aimlessly, desperately hoping to come across his sister. Julie closed her eyes. Think. Think. Where would Celeste go?

“Matt, take a left. Here. Here!”

“Why?”

“I know where she is.”

He yanked the wheel and steered them toward the Charles River. “She couldn’t have,” he said in disbelief. “Why would she go there?”